If your generalissimo were on The View being interviewed by Barbara Walters, and she asked the inevitable question "If your soldiers were trees, what kind of trees would they be?", the answer would be simple. Wait, which trees swallow the most cum? Nevermind.
But if she asked me what you are passionate about, I would say making snarky comments about politics on websites that think too highly of themselves. And thus I am here for you.
Introducing my new feature Wonkette Shorts. Each day I will steal over to Wonkette and summarize a few of the posts in my own breezy style, thus allowing you to comment away here in the fashion we have all come to know and love without feeding the Gawker overlords.
Note, I will not be plagiarizing anything, as that is wrong and stuff. I will not be clicking "more" on any articles, so I will try to just get the gist of them (and if I not, I'll just make some shit up!). And I will not be summarizing any of Jim Newell's posts, because the poor boy is a victim in this too and I know some of you are supporting him (which I am fine with). So, with that said, welcome to the FIRST! EVER! EDITION! of Wonkette Shorts:
- Did you know we are less than one year from the end of the Bush presidency? Of course, if any president could cause nuclear winter just by welcoming children to the White House easter egg hunt, it would be him.
- Fred Thompson is a redneck hick loser, and maybe dropped out of the next debate. UPDATE - he be gone!
- The bad US economy resulted in billions of lost fake money around the word and millions of people of all shades of skin throwing themselves off buildings screaming "Fuck you George Bush" in lots of funny sounding languages!
- Drudge has a hard on for some game where you can shoot the presidential candidates with virtual paintballs. Now that he has found it, Layne probably isn't going to post the rest of the day. Presidential Paintball
80 comments:
Was Freddie in the race at all? Hard to tell if he was alive or dead.
Ahhhhhhh! io9.com sleeps easier tonight.
what about Gawker Paintball... i think Denton, Layne, and the lame posters at Jezebel could use a couple shots as well
Hey homofascist and all the ships at sea,
It's five o'clock in the Atlantic Standard Time zone, so the bar is officially open. I'll be your bartender this evening and hope it's a pleasant one. It will be for me since I'm drinking while I'm playing. The first Jameson is already poured.
So Fred Boy Thompson is no longer a presidential candidate. Now he can go back down to the old homestead, get on his flannel shirt, overalls and barefeet, sit in the old wooden rocker on the rickety old porch, and have fantasies about Jed Clampett again. Soon enough trophy wife Jeri will acquire a habit for a corncob wife, she'll wrinkle up and look just like Granny sitting on the porch. Dagnabit, you couldn't ask for a nicer fantasy.
I await Fuckabee's retirement from the race in a few weeks. In the meantime, my attachment is hoping for a special operations assignment tonight.
Captain Raging Monk, Chaplain
Special Operations Attachment, HFA
Of course, we're TOTES not in a recession. That's what Dana Perino tells us. We must trust our mouthpieces. Even if people are stuffing Ameros in mattresses like there's no tomorrow.
We all know that Drudge compensates for his small member through elaborate group gun play action. This just gets his Cheetos-stained pecker sprung.
AMERICA TO DIPSHIT MCGOO: Go home, loser, and take a nap. You know you really want to.
Gen. HF: Thanks for doing this news summary.
# Re 1 year from Bush getting the gong:
Had to reassure my panicky 9-year old that just because our "Bush Countdown Clock" had stopped working, El Supremo would still be gone in a year. Didn't have the heart to tell him about Darth Cheney's martial law plan.
# shoot the presidential candidates with virtual paintballs
Good, now the Secret Service will have something to do besides tossing people in jail for tapping Cheney on the shoulder.
"Soon enough trophy wife Jeri will acquire a habit for a corncob PIPE, she'll wrinkle up and look just like Granny sitting on the porch."
Goddamn typing monkeys.
The full-on effects of this recession are going to be felt during / pinned on the next President. Just another case of Dubya escaping any harm, or even discomfort, about any way in which he has screwed us royal for at least a decade.
Lou Gehrig was lying. Dubya is the luckiest man (an... an... an...) on the face of the earth (rth... rth... rth....).
To Gen'simo Homofascist--
SIR:
You are directed to advance upon your objective and obtain pagehit statistics and report on same, for the betterment of those making strategic decisions. Please govern your activities accordingly.
We, as ever, hold your abilities in the highest regard and faithfully remain--
Yours,
C. Bureau, U'Secy, Dept. of Women, in the name and on the authority of the Office of President of Wonketterica.
P.S.: Whatever supplies of hard tack you have available for other divisions would be gratefully accepted. C.B.
HF, this is a fabulous idea! I mean there was a demrat debate last night, and I so wished I could follow along with all the HFA's lovely comments. Barry & Hillz took off the gloves! It was glorious, and yet so painful.
HF,
Since I gather you are based in Chicago and maybe around Halsted Ave., could it be time soon for a meeting up like in DC for Megan this week? There are some of us only a few hours away and might be interested in congregating for drink, gossip and plans for the Homofascist Army. Boystown can be fun even for us str8s.
Captain Raging Monk, Chaplain
Special Operations Attachment, HFA
"Less waterboarding, more blowjobs"
Does this mean Fred Thompson will get back in teh teevee now?
@raging monk
Awww, I really liked the idea that Trophy Wife would get so tired of looking at Dipshit's ugly mug that, out of desperation, she would make her very own trophy wife out of a corncob (ow).
Now the dream is gone... gone.
"millions of people of all shades of skin throwing themselves off buildings screaming "Fuck you George Bush" in lots of funny sounding languages!"
its better than people of all shades flying themselves into buildings screaming "Fuck you George Bush"...
@latenightmoneyshots:
Touche'
AKA flippin here
Bravo for Shorts! If I may, I think you could also call this feature Before the Jump...but Wonkette Shorts works well too, so long as we get filled-out boxer briefs as an illustration next time.
Anyway, I just wanted to drop by to say well done to all of you hardy troops and especially to HF for his valiant leadership skilz! I also second the call for a Chicago contingent to gather for troop morale, Boystown or elsewhere!
I feel like if we start doing things like liveblogging the debates over here, it's going to turn out like this.
Which would be awesome.
@alkibiades: Ow, ow, ow. But the video would sell great.
You rock, HF!
Off-topic, but...
BREAKING: OMFG: Heath Ledger is Dead
Btw, are other GM sites okay to visit?
@Melissa. Run to Defamer child, run. I have a huge ol' crush on Seth anyway. I could never forsake him.
@carisita. Oh, there will be filled out shorts. Don't you worry.
Enough said with these measly, measly numbers:
Man Had Sex, Drugs, And Other AWFUL Things With Obama, Of Course (34 comments), To Answer a Paultard's Question (25) and Mourning Foxy Old Dilettante Fred Thompson (23).
--
R.I.P. Ennis
Those are, of course, the TOP most-commented posts today. 34 is the top number. HA!
In his honor, I will talk through clenched teeth for the rest of the afternoon.
Hail and farewell, Heath.
Tag:Why I can't comment at Jezebel.
Item posted by SlutMachine about some Yale frat boys photographed standing outside in the cold on the street in front of the Yale Woman's Center with a hand lettered sign saying "We love Yale Sluts", apparently as part of a fraternity hazing. They are now being sued for sexual harassment.
SlutMachine concludes, apparently without irony: "hell yes it's harassment!... There's no two ways about it: They were intentionally being dicks."
Stipulated: They were dicks. But I'd like to preserve my right to be a dick on a public street without getting sued for sexual harassment.
Sorry Megan, tried it, can't go there.
Full disclosure: There were a few voices of reason (Nellicat) to be found among the comments, lecturing on the nature of free speech, free society, and what constitutes an actionable offense.
@melissa & Gen. HF:
The 1st Armored Hirsute Brigade of the HFA calls for flags to be lowered to half-staff at all HFA posts. That, and this is the saddest news of the day that's not been pretty good to start with.
Respectfully submitted,
Rptrcub
Why Heath Ledger? Why couldn't it be Jake Gyllenhabaefg? Does it make me a bad person if I'm mostly upset because I'm worried this might mess up the next Batman movie?
@freedumb: I respectfully disagree sir about Gyllenhaaaaal. Should there be an umlaut there somewheres?
If you weren't a bad person to begin with, you wouldn't be here, nor would I. My levels of evilness are proportional to the level of caffeine I've had in one day, so your mileage may vary.
@mw(dwsuwf)
Oh come on, they didn't say all (does the italics tag work here?) Yale girls were sluts. Are the women suing saying that there are no sluts at Yale?
@freedumb. Hey, don't mess with Jake. He's a dreamboat. And they had finished filming the next Batman movie. I am more worried about the fate of Brokeback Mountain II: Back Alley Bareback.
And do we really need to rehash that Jezzie frat boy post? Other than the desire to bring some of those boys in the photo into HFA HQ for some HEAVY discipline (any volunteers?) the rest is fairly painful (except for Comrade Jamie Sommers trying to make sense of it all).
If flags are to be at half-staff, hold off on the tighty-whiteys for a while. Let the boxers remain, but put some Guinness on there instead of Corona.
Presidential paintball is old hat. If Bill hadn't played it with Monica, the world would be a better place today.
Personally, I prefer presidential sploogeball. It's a much lower scoring game, as the target tends to hinder production. Unless Obama wins next year, of course...
@ mw (DWSUWF): Well, apparently they were also chanting crap at women, too, and I used to have to have someone walk me home at night in college because I lived the other side of frat row for that very reason. Also, the Women's Center is probably the PC name for the Rape Crisis Center. So, replace "Women's Center" in the article with that and suddenly it's "A bunch of douchebags stood in front of the campus race crisis center and called victims sluts" and suddenly it's a leetle more horrifying.
But, yes, I know. Commenter earnestness, blah, blah, believe me, I myself have struggled with that. I called statuatory rape laws stupid and got called a child abuse apologist. Alcohol helps.
@homofascist: My heart goes out to poor, beleaguered Terry Gilliam, whose film was not finished, I don't think.
Well, and his kid and yadda yadda. But I have no actual relationship to them, whereas I do care about TG making more movies, since I like watching them.
Take care of yourself, Edward Furlong. Oh, and you too, Jake.
@megan: Isn't there a "rules on a campus V. rules on actual streetcorners" difference being glossed over there too? Rules about hate speech, etc. in those venues can be applied differently, I thought. Though I admit I don't really know.
@megan
I can definitely empathize, even though I'm not obviously gay, and I'm at the relatively liberal Berkeley. I wasn't made uneasy at all when someone was shot on the same block as my dorm, but I can't walk through frat row without feeling like I'm about to get beaten to death.
Generalissimo HF, thank you for taking this on.
@Alkibiades: I wonder how long Jeri will stick around now that she knows she doesn't get to be Trophy First Lady. Guess it all depends on the pre-nup.
@mw (DWSUWF) These are the women who give feminists a bad name. I admire Comrade Jamie Sommers for taking them on, but jeez - those women work less than I do.
And then the whole Heath thing really ruined the day.
How can we get Sluggo into the HFA fold? Does he know about what's going on? He's a great commenter and evidently the most prolific, so I'd at least hope he knows about the HFA. I'm thinking he might not as he was gone for a day or so. Anyone? Man, the other people still commenting on Wonkette other than him are l-a-m-e.
@BeRightBack:
No, I think there's that, too. Generally, universities (and fraternities) have a code of conduct that is far more strict than real life because attending university is a privilege and not an automatic right. And most universities have gotten on board with the idea that woman (and minorities, and the LGBT community) have the right to attend without being bashed, harassed, intimidated or be called derogatory names. Having worked a campus security job (tied to Judicial Affairs) and a residence life job, this shit would not have been tolerated on my campus by the Administration. Like, period. My former roommate (and a victim of abuse) inadvertently let a guy with a restraining order into the dorm where his ex lived and ended up with a $200 fine (a lot of money when you're working catering for $6/hour) and 6 months of residence probation. That someone is suing in civil court is the eye-rolling part to me. But I'm all for publishing their pictures. I just wanted names, too. I think there should be a database of men that don't deserve to get laid.
@freedumb: It's the way they all stop their conversations and stare at you drunkenly, beers in hand, as a group that does it. I have walked alone in DC, NYC and Boston at night and never felt as sure I was going to be drug off and raped as the one time I worked a Friday night shift and didn't make someone walk me home.
@Cynica: Yes, some of them do. Most of 'em don't comment that much on my shit anymore because I get all up in their shit about it. I think I pointed out once that requiring that women support Hillary isn't very pro-choice. They stfu.
Ok, if you don't want to get together, fine. Think I need to take some time out from all this. Not sure what the dynamics are going to be here, anyway.
BTW, I just checked on Denton's convenient day-by-day traffic monitor, and it seems that today's Wonkette traffic is pretty much the same as yesterday's (a holiday for most of the target DC readership, right?), and both days are significantly down from the previous week.
I was kind of shocked the impact was so visible. Check it out: (scroll down 'til you get there)
@megan; I think there should be a database of men that don't deserve to get laid.
Definitely. We could call it "Lysistrata." Men who violate the rules of civilized behavior could then be Lysistratified.
@Raging Monk: Well, if you want to meet somewhere in the middle of the Midwest and DC, I've apparently got some time on my hands. :)
Just when I was starting to fear that the HFA was going to turn into a Heath Ledger sobfest, Megan turns loose her quill.
All hail the beaver.
Curse of Batman:
Katie Holmes - you know . ..
Heath Ledger - RIP
Yeah, I know, go to defamer . . .
/slink
@berightback
Wow. A 1/3 drop in views and down 25% in hits. I think they noticed that. Especially since many of us are the heavy hitters and bringers of snark.
We band of few with too much time on our hands or hate our work so much.
@ManchuCandidate: A little from column A, a little from Column B.
@berightback@cynica@homofascist@manchu
lysistrata... Yes ... yes... Let's work with that notion in the context of what is going on here at HFA. Essentially this is a barely organized group of commenters. Commenters that are "withholding services" in the hope that they can create more pain than they are suffering themselves by withholding said services. Yes the stats are showing some impact, but realistically, Wonkette stats were down anyway and they are just going from bad to slightly worse. You have a patient bleeding to death and all we are doing is hastening the process.
As I recall, the original parameter of the boycott was to last only until Wednesday. We can expect desertions to begin as quickly as midnite tonight. Unless, Generalissimo, you take this in a new direction.
I suggest: A Lysistratian demonstration of the services being denied, a demonstration of passionate purpose, a demonstration of the degree we are willing to prostitute ourselves, - I am proposing that tomorrow the HFA deliver one giant blow job on exactly one post at Wonkette or elsewhere in the Gawker universe. To be selected by our Glorious Leader. We have already shown the potential on the Megan goodbye post. Sloppy seconds are in order.
This strategy could keep your army disciplined for a while longer and would relieve some of the "tension". You could pick a new target each day and keep the story going.
WTF, if you think about it, this can be extended into a business plan. People pay for comments and pageviews. I can't work on it now, Its after 5:00 and drinking time on the left coast, I'll get back to it later...
Oh - And lysistrata should be worked into the blog title.
@dwsuwf That is a lot to think about. I will throw the idea around with some advisors and let everyone know. I would really, really like to hit the strike hard tomorrow. Just one more day to see the effect. I just wonder how many additional Wonkette visits are because of some of the publicity surrounding Megan's departure. I don't know. I am really not a visionary like Ken Layne so I don't know what I want. I am just making it up as I go along.
@dwsuwf: I like it. Maybe one of our master photoshoppers could make use of the Beardsley drawing in the
wikipedia entry.
HF:
Making it up as you go along worked for Indiana Jones.
How about a coordinated commenter surge by HFA onto open threads at all Gawker sites at H-Hour EDT calling attention to the strike?
Be strong Captain. Seize the fish.
who knows where this is going, like we ever know about anything anyway til it's too late. it is cathartic to do this, whatever the ultimate outcome. and fun. not as much fun as before the AXE, but we are off kilter, and drunker than usual. we will find our way, and each other. as water seeks it's own level. dizzy children, i love you all..well almost all...
just checking in, my support is loyal and enduring.
waiting for instructions from HF.
(so there's sex, drink over at HQ.,,any good weed, etc,?
@redmanlaw: That seems kinda Paultarded to me. However, now that Paul's higher in some pundit polls than 9iu11ani, maybe they were onto something.
I like the idea of mobbing around one of Jim's posts. Helps him, helps us relieve some angst.
@redmanlaw:
Re: "a coordinated commenter surge by HFA onto open threads at all Gawker sites ..."
I like your idea. An elaboration:
How about we all comment, but only on Megan's Jiz-a-bell post tomorrow? To give the Big Dawgs a taste of their lost quality pagehits? Then withdraw, commentus interrptus, just to let the motherfuckers know where they stand?
Just a thought, I can go either/any way. Awaiting orders...
Spc. 3rd Class Litotes,
Miusical Propaganda Division
For the next hour the bar is featuring special prices on lemon drops and amaretto sours. We also have a two-for-one special on Long Island Iced Tea, as well as for Groelsch Draft. Anybody need anything? Also tomorrow night all the buffalo wings you can eat with blue cheese and veggies. And Thursday night: Chicago Hot Dogs, Vienna, only the best. Place your orders now.
@RM: I'll have a Beaverian import, thanks.
Paintballs one thing... I just wish they were using live ammo.
@Raging Monk: Damn, I had to give up Amaretto sours when I gave up refined sugar. Sniff.
I'm told the hard drankin' homies here in Poplar, Montana favor some kind of high octane horse whiz in a tall can for 99 cents. Two, please, and where's my calimari?
While we're toasting (or toasted), Megan's farewell has passed 30,000 views...
@nojo: I am sadly sober. Give me a second and I'll work on that.
I just sent deadspin a random liveblog entry on the NFL Replay repeat of Sunday's Green Bay game.
@redmanlaw: Can we retroblog the 2000 election and give it a different ending?
Darlings, we need to make our own space on the intertubes. Wonkette will wonk on. It will attract other commenters (poor fools). As true believers in the Homo revolution we must turn our faces to tomorrow. Let the rising sun light our hopes. Let our dreams fill our sails as we boldly go where no man... wait. Our dreams will hope our tomorrows as our children romp in fields of dreams where if you build it they will... wait. Let our faith raise our hope till our dreams make our cum on that little blue dress... wait.
Thank you, Peggy Noonan.
Fuck it. Nuke Iran.
P.S. Leather speedos! Woo-hoo! I was going to suggest kilts but whatevs.
Hey sorry I didn't post all day but I was like actually working and I was somewhere where they didn't have computers or Internet. I nearly drove off the road when I heard on NPR that Heath was dead. It was like Kurt Cobain but worse because Heath was talented and HAWT.
I like the Lysistrata idea combined with the once-a-day kamikazi comment blitz of one of Jim's posts - but your Californication correspondent BEGS that you please pick a time that is convenient to your Left Coast Commrades in Sandy Eggo, El-Ayy, Es-Ef, Portland, Seattle, and my future home of Vancouver BC. Doing something at 9:30 am EST means I have to drag my white ass out of bed way too early - esp. when I have my cute boy in bed with me. Perhaps we can do it at some magic time that works for all the time zones? Like 2 pm EST/11 am PST? (This is the time of all my conference calls w/ east coast colleagues, BTW, so I'll be on speaker phone and bored). And since Arizona never goes on daylight savings time, I'm not quite sure what the hell time it is for Pvt. Sommers in Phoenix, but she's a smart girl and can figure that shit out.
I agree with whoever it was wherever it was who was horrified by the turn that the Crappy Hour took with the earnest postings about community food alliances or whatever the fuck it was. Oy f-ing vey.
xoxo,
Capt. San Fran Lefty
Division of Political Fashion Critique
L LaD -
So, create something rather than use our energies to harass, annoy or oppress? Novel. Hulk no smash?
I have been AWOL since learning about the death of my second favorite actor and portrayer of THE sexy gay cowboy. rest in peace, Heath, and yes, I wish it had been Jake instead, too.
@SF: The Sandy Eggo Task Force of the HFA Pacific Fleet tends to sleep in (ain't freelance wunnerful?), so don't worry about setting the clocks by us. We're used to catching up on the day's events halfway through.
By the way, in B.C. "green collar" refers to the pot harvest.
BTW, I meant to wish everyone a "Happy Roe v. Wade Anniversary" - 35 years today that SCOTUS said teh ladiez could figger out what to do with their uteri. at least for the first 2 trimesters. but the case and its ode to privacy (esp. in the sexual sphere) underscores all the gay rights jurisprudence, so it's something that many HFA members can unite under.
xoxo
SFLefty
@SF: And who in hell thinks Whole Paycheck is a force for good? They just bought out Henry's, and I fear for my kefir prices. Which is to say, yes, I walked into Crappy Hour too, and backed away as quickly as I could. I know Moe & Megan are trying their best, but yeeesh.
@Megan: Can't tolerate refined sugar in your diet anymore? We have "pink sugar" that Katherine Harris left by last time she was in town. There's some Splenda and Equal on the bar counter. Or for a change of pace, J.D.Singer has a stash of stevia, which she says is the best tasting and most organic sweet substitute ever.
Or you can just chug the Amaretto bottle straight if you like.
SF:
but the case and its ode to privacy (esp. in the sexual sphere) underscores all the gay rights jurisprudence....
Yeah. Especially Bowers v Hardwick. That was a classic defense of the right to privacy right there. (How could it not be with a litigant named Hardwick?)
Srsly: Bowers has gotta be on the top-five SCOTUS blooper reel. Right up there with Dred Scott, Plessy, and Lochner. If you had to add one, Wonketterrorists, what would be the fifth? (Just curious.)
@chicago bureau: Just off the top of my head -- Korematsu v. United States.
@nojo: ooh, that's a good one. What do you bet "Korematsu" is the name of Michelle Malkin's vibrator?
My contribution: Penry vs. Lynaugh
@chicago bureau : Bush v. Gore, obvs.
@Chicago Bureau: Bowers is a bad decision, for sure. And Roe was the apex of sexual privacy as it's all been downhill since then.
Some other SCOTUS bloopers - Bush v. Gore, natch; Korematsu; and two from last session - Carhart (late term abortion case where Kennedy goes on about how women need to be protected from making a decision they'd regret) and the labor discrimination case that I'm spacing on the name but where they said you have to file suit w/in 90 days.
@Nojo: Don't get me started on Whole Paycheck.
CB, my fifth of choice would be Ron Anejo.
@homofascist and cynica: Thank you for that. I'm really trying at Jez but it's tough. I had to defend our Army against some Jezzie who claimed a Gawker troll was one of us. Then I tried to inject some reason in that Yale frat thread (silly me). It's exhausting over there.
@Chicago Bureau: I'd go with either Korematsu or Seminole Tribe v. Florida.
@SFL: I think you're thinking of the Goodyear case.
Thanks, General. Count at least one straight, white, gun-owning, career military officer in the HFA. Erm, prolly make that one and only.
Whaddawewant? Anonymous Lobbyist? When do we want her? Now!
No Megan, no Peace!
38DD or Fight!
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