Wednesday, January 23, 2008

WONKETTE SHORTS - January 23, 2008


Many of you don't know this, but I often start my morning lying in bed typing away on my laptop. It was sooooooo sweet you guys, my boyfriend totally took this picture of me this morning as I was planning for a full day at HFA HQ. I know what you're thinking - "Generalissmo Homofascist, isn't it difficult to type like that for a long time?" And the answer is yes, but the workout is pretty good. Before I started it I had a beer gut, but now my six pack is coming along nicely.

After I made the crack yesterday about Layne not posting anything more on Wonkette after he found that stupid "shoot the presidential candidates with paint guns" game on Drudge, he actually didn't post anything more. So today's Shorts is my attempt to look at political news and be...wonky? Just write short flippant sentences and do links? Whatever, I tried okay. For YOU.

Now for your snarking pleasure, and to help you make it through the day NOT GOING OVER TO WONKETTE AT ALL, NOT EVEN TO PEEK, NO NO NO, is the latest edition of Wonkette Shorts. Take a whiff.

  • Obama's speech writer is young. And fucking hot! Can he take dictation?
  • Two non-profit journalism organizations just released a report that President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat from Iraq in the two years following the 2001 terrorist attacks. Just like the fucking left wing Commie liberals to say what 80% of Americans know is true.
  • He's number 4! He's number 4! But at least he is being nice.
  • McCain is raising money and getting endorsements in NYC. Don't be surprised when his body is found floating in the East River with Rudy G's panty hose tied around his neck.
  • Illinois doesn't get much Wonkette love, but did you know our governor is not only a fucking retard and crook, but also has the worst hair in politics? When he finally goes to prison, I have a feeling the by then prison-hardened George Ryan will make Blago the Jack to his Ennis, if you catch my drift. And I think you do (RIP Heath).
  • Crappy Hour on Jezebel is live. I recommend paying a visit - it is going to be good, and could use a major snark infusion.
Fire away!

68 comments:

rptrcub said...

Thanks for the man-candy, Herr General. The disinformation program is proceeding as planned!

And for Mr. Favreau: Let me be the first to say: I'd hit that.

Rptrcub
Camp Patty Hearst

BeRightBack said...

Mornin'!

I think you mean "peek."

And "dicktation."

litotes said...

Re "President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat"

Now they tell me, can I come out from under my bed now?

Homofascist said...

@berightback - Ah my first correction. Don't start fixing my grammar and typos - that is a full time job.

Of course, if I actually were peaking, I would probably make a lot more...

Sinister Rouge said...

Fucking great. I haven't gone on Wonkette since the boycott began.

SpangledAngel said...

I'm writing a speech of my own re: Mr. Favreau, here goes:

'Would you like to be makings with the secks? Kthnx.'

rptrcub said...

And let's keep the snark infusion on Jezebel. We need to win over their hearts, minds and beavers.

Rptrcub
1st Armored Hirsute Division

Lymed said...

Rptrcub - we are generally pretty welcoming over at Jezebel...just beware about calling women fat or ugly (we like to keep some woman love in or snark) or any comments that make rape sound good.

rptrcub said...

@Lymed: Agreed. I loves me all sizes of women, but only in a platonic way.

litotes said...

@Lymed:

Good advice. Content-wise I never go there anyway, so hopefully I haven't jumped yet.

But pull a few teeth from the snark?

Have to say I've revealed more personal facts on one post than I have in my entire lifetime on Wonkette.

Anything for the cause. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.

Spc 3rd Class Litotes
HFA, Musical Propaganda Division

Megan said...

I would ride Monsieur Favreau like a rented pony and twice on Sundays. Day-um. Thank you, Homofascist, for bringing the man candy.

@rptrcub: And we love you too, in a platonic way. Except for the hairy chest. Some of us might think that was kind of sexy.

rptrcub said...

@Megan: Awww, thanks. Nice to know that my str8 women-peeps are coming around on the whole "body hair is icky" thing.

Megan said...

@rptrcub: Friction, baby. I like my men to be men, preferably, and not boys, which is likely why I'm still single.

latenightmoneyshots said...

@megan - that's also likely why you're not a republican lawmaker

chicago bureau said...

Two non-profit journalism organizations just released a report that President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false statements etc etc

1) Well, duh.

2) Looks like Megan isn't the only one getting fired. Bloodbath at Media Matters -- those who were working on this story but couldn't run it before these guys did just got their hands on a brand spanking new cardboard box, suitable for lugging stuff.

Illinois doesn't get much Wonkette love, but did you know our governor is not only a fucking retard and crook, but also has the worst hair in politics?

The man has an impressive head of hair. Everything else about Blagojevich is true. But the hair is well-groomed and passable for a incredibly, almost impossibly stupid and egomanical politician such as himself.

Therefore, I respectfully dissent.

gurukalehuru said...

Are you going to have hot women here, too?

Lymed said...

@litotes

Jezebel has a way of pulling personal comments out of you...must be all the estrogen.

rptrcub said...

@Chicago Bureau: It could be worse. Oprah could be governor.

rptrcub said...

@gurukalehuru: Gen. HF, you probably need to throw the Breeder Brigades a bone (huhuhuh) every now and then to keep their morale up.

Rptrcub
1st Armored Hirsute Division

gurukalehuru said...

Are you going to have hot women here, too?

gurukalehuru said...

By the way, does anybody know what actually happened with Megan (and Greg)?
I feel like the uncool kid in school, really, that's a feeling I remember.
No snark, honest appeal for background.

litotes said...

@gurukalehuru:

If you haven't already seen this, it's on Megan's blog.

congcat said...

Herr generalissimo, your leadership is simplemente uber fabelhaft. (I'm always mixing my german and spanish before lunch.)

Barry and his preetty boy speechhack had better learn to knife fight, like yesterday, or Barry's body is going to be found in a shallow grave somewhere outside of Newark. Preety boy might try luring Slick away from this fight with a big girl holding a fat burger or something.

chicago bureau said...

It could be worse. Oprah could be governor.

Reaction 1: DO NOT WANT

Reaction 2: "And you get a tax cut! And you get a tax cut! And you get a tax cut!"

Reaction 3: So long as Richard M. Daley, Mayor, does not start jumping on a couch, I can stomach it. Maybe.

Reaction 4: The Oprah Budget Speech. Best. Book club selection. EVAH.

I could go on, but I actually have work to do.

rptrcub said...

@chicago bureau: Read my lips: no. new. Daleys.

Homofascist said...

@gurukalehuru My lord, yesterday was all about tits and beaver. How much stimulation do you breeder boys need? (and whatever the answer, the HFA is up to the challenge)

jamie sommers said...

@congcat:

Ooh! You've given me an idea. Hot speechwriter jello wrestling.

congcat said...

@Jamie Sommers-- Yes. Nude. Drenched in baby oil and armed with chainsaws. Winner takes it ALL, baby.
Although, I think Hillbot's speechhack is an overwieght 63 y/o hag with a blackbelt in tae kwon do...
Fuck me to tears.

wanderingchiller said...

Between Hillary and Rudy, McCain might as well be trying to raise money to be elected Grand Poohbah of Martian Scientologist Vegans. Not a chance in hell, gramps...that's money best spent elsewhere.

And I'd like to second the call for pics of hot chicks once in a while.

Pvt. WanderingChiller
Booty Patrol, NYC Squadron
Noobies for Boobies & Beaver Platoon
Bulldaggers for Beaver Division

Nabisco said...

Speaking of chainsaws, anyone caught up with flyingchainsaw? Has s/he enlisted?

BeachyGirl said...

I would like to encourage more Wonkette shorts pics like the one today - well done HF! Don't listen to all the breeder boys, they'll live. The fag hags on this blog are totes in support of the nakey man pictures!

On a side note, since when is Jon Favreau not a fat old director (love him! don't want to do him tho....). Now THIS Jon Favreau, that's another story. I think I could fit him very nicely into my....schedule.

mellbell said...

Someone may have already dropped you a note about it, but the Wonkette feed could be a very good resource here: http://feeds.gawker.com/wonkette/full

It shows (I think) the entire text of each post, as well as the first picture (if there are pictures). The only thing it seems to leave off is embedded video.

Electoral College Dropout said...

Rudy's new commercial

wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6nDOnsjgbI

I'd say that stupid fucking mask is his Dukakis moment, except that it would imply he'd been successful up until now.

litotes said...

Does anyone know if 2876 views and 181 comments are typical for Crappy Hour (up to 1 PM Eastern I mean)?

mellbell said...

Just to clarify the last post: the whole shebang is run by FeedBurner, so (again, I think) they're the ones who benefit from the ad revenue. Also, it shows the last 41 posts (all Wonkette, no Jez or Gawker or whatevs), so the content is equivalent to what's on the first two or three pages of Wonkette.

Original Andrew said...

West Coast division checking in.


First of all, Generalissmo Homofascist, thank you for posting your grand photo in your Official Homofascist Liberation Army Uniform®. It truly is an inspiration to us all.


Second, just wanted to let you know that even non-commenters such as myself are following the Strike; I haven’t been back to Wonkette at all since barely making it out alive after my final post on Megan’s farewell.


Awaiting your orders. Sir, yes sir!

BeachyGirl said...

Oh, and also, were we supposed to be surprised that the govt "filed false reports" (=LIED), or just be surprised that they admitted it, rather than sweeping it under the rug like everything else this administration has done.

SalfDC said...

Yeah, I am totally down with Favs the speechwriter. Yummm...

rptrcub said...

@Electoral College Dropout: "Only one candidate runs, dreams, lives, spooges on disasters. Rudi 9iu11iani, the only one for Florida and other penis-shaped states."

litotes said...

@BeachyGirl:

Re goverment lies about security threat, made public...

Any crack in the wall is good news. We're talking about an administration who treats WH visitor logs like state secrets, and whose idea of email backup is to use the same fucking tape over and over. Sometime in October I expect them to classify the constitution.

Spc 3rd Class Litotes
Musical Propaganda Division

Megan said...

litotes: The comment numbers are not standard, though not unheard of. Hits are about average, I think? I guess that just means everyone's enjoying themselves.

Electoral College Dropout said...

@rptrcub: When you think disaster, think Rudy 9iu11ani. I'm 9/11 and I 9/11ed this 9/11.

rptrcub said...

@litotes: Here at Camp Patty Hearst, we're working on plans to liberate the Constitution if that eventuality were to occur. It involves distracting W with brightly colored balloons.

mellbell said...

@rptrcub: It is now my very great pleasure to introduce to you... President Dangleschlong!

http://campaigncircus.com/video_player.php?v=7102

BeachyGirl said...

@litotes

Oooh, awesome, then that will give the next administration an awesome platform - "declassify the constitution!" Now THAT would make somebody very popular...who can disagree with that statement? Sounds just like the kind of obvious, contrived, baseless notion that 9udy Giu11ani would want for a platform.

DC1974 said...

As an Illinoisan not exacly by birth (but 18 years from the important K-12 years means that I will forever have to live with this burden) -- can I just ask when is Illinois going to finally build a governor-only prison? Perhaps in Indiana (because, ew, we don't want them), former-Governor Thomas can be the Warden and over see the antique-purchases for the Warden's apartment. And whatever happens in the shower. (If you catch my drift -- allegedly.)

Alkibiades said...

@megan

Definitely enjoying myself at crappy hour and getting into the spirit of the thing. Although I couldn't come up with a good recipe to post...

And here I thought I would get work done today!

HFA Booty Patrol
Lonely Texas Outpost
Bulldaggers for Beaver Division
(Word!)

litotes said...

@BeachyGirl:

We're treading on thin ice here. Please don't tell Ron "Ayn" Paul or Dennis "Menace" Kucinich I just inadvertently wrote a campaign slogan for them, I'd never live it down.

fileunder said...

Looking good, General HF, Sir!

oh, also - i swung by there yesterday and they have finally changed the masthead.

fileunder said...

oh also, i admit i spent quite some time over at Gawker yesterday, as i needed somewhere to get my Heathyness.

rptrcub said...

In other news, if the U.S. goes into a recession, we can prolly take China with us. Yeah, take that commies!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/23/AR2008012300628_3.html?hpid=topnews

Original Andrew said...

@ dc1974,


I'm still hoping for a Presidential Suite at Guantanamo Bay.

rickushay said...

@electoral college dropout:

speaking of roo-roo and disaster being used in the same sentence: on my way home yesterday i heard on potus08 (xm channel 130) a rally in florida against roo-roo. i think it was organized by "firefighters against rudy" or something like that.

they were totally (i think i'm too old to use 'totes' *shrug*) slamming him about his leadership and being a poser and stuff.

anyone else hear about it? i damn near drove off the road i was so happy.

sinnesloeschen said...

Okay, I'm in, not that I ever really mattered so much at the 'kette, but AL and MC (the dress, you know) came out in full force and it was awesome and frankly it was a dick move by Layne to oust her (and Greg, and Liz) the way it occurred. So. HFA for little sinnesloeschen.

Cynica said...

Generalissmo Homofascist, Sir! Thnk you for starting my day with that photo. I will follow you into hell.
Good posts on Crappy Hour - and we got a couple of great new recruits.
I fully support the call for speech writer jello-wrestling. Beats the hell out of listening to the speeches.

BeachyGirl said...

@ litotes

It'll be our little secret!

@rptrcub

That'll show 'em!

ManchuCandidate (on Strike) said...

@sinnesloeschen

Welcome aboard. It's not like any of us mattered to the Powers that be anyway. It's just that some of us have more time on our hands or really don't care about work...

Manchu,
HFA Foreigns Legions

wanderingchiller said...

@Alkibiades:

If your Texas outpost gets too lonely, feel free to pop up to NYC for a little R&R. After all, Homofascist's Army can't be alll work.

And is it just me, or is our division just screaming for a theme song? Where are all those chicks with guitars when you need them?

rptrcub said...

@sinnesloeschen: Herzlichen Willkommen.

Rptrcub
1st Armored Hirsute Division

rptrcub said...

@wanderingchiller: Something by Peaches (as in teh Canadian chick who obsesses about her crotch), I suggest.

Homofascist said...

@rptrcub - Hells to the yeah! I loves me some Peaches.

Let me work on this, but some thoughts:

Breeder Boy Brigade "Back It Up"
Fag Hag Brigade "Fuck the Pain Away"
Bulldaggers for Beaver Brigade "Hot Pink, Hot Sex"
Gay Boy Brigade "Tent in Your Pants"
Fashion Brigade "Hanky Code"

IanJ said...

Speaking as a member of the Pitiful Breeder contingent, I can't say I objected to the man-candy greeting this morning. Just because I don't actually enjoy dicks poking me in various orifices doesn't mean I don't appreciate a well-sculpted bod. Mmmm-hmmm. Just, you know, sayin'.

Sgt. IanJ, Subordinate Sergeant at Arms and Special Envoy for Sculptedness

rptrcub said...

@Homofascist: I'll take "Shake Yer Dix."

Of course, our overriding HFA Anthem In Tribute to Megan:

Boys Wanna Be Her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcKMg7eEjj8

Rptrcub
1st Armored Hirsute Division

Electoral College Dropout said...

Fake Hillary's Twitter
http://twitter.com/fakehillary

via Sully

My fav:
"Fred Thompson dropped out. Any day that a former senator from Tennessee decides not to run for president is a good day in my book."

latenightmoneyshots said...

@rptrcub - Boys Wanna Be Her... done and done

on a sidenote... is it just me or is Hill coming off as a complete douchefuck with this whole Obama-Reagan thing

Alkibiades said...

@wanderingchiller

/Polishes boots, buckle, checks teeth in mirror, grabs hat/

I'm outtie, gonna sit out the rest of TOTAL.RADIO.SILENCE day in good ol' New York City!

Electoral College Dropout said...

@latenightmoneyshots:

Can't help but think that shit's gonna backfire if not in the General, in California.

dickcheneysblacksister said...

Yep, I think it will backfire too. In the meantime Edwards is like the tortoise and Hill/Barry are the hare.