Thursday, February 14, 2008


So my friend Matt and I have an idea for how to solve the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. We go over there, and put select representatives of the Palestinian protesters and Israeli military in a room and work to mediate peace. By giving them all the cocksucking of their lives. In fact, because it fits so well into the "Less Waterboarding, More Blowjobs" mantra of the HFA, I think that is an effort I could recruit my soldiers to help carry out. It will be a lot of hard work and is not for the faint of heart. You might have to lick some balls. You might have to let a representative of each side battle it out with a sword fight in your mouth. And you might have to keep mediating until your jaw is numb and your gag reflex has been destroyed. All sacrifices that must be made for the greater good. Because the HFA fights for peace & love, and we won't stop until we pick that last dark & curly out from between our teeth.

Wait, sorry - where was I?

Oh, right - Rami. Probably the hottest contestant ever on Project Runway. And as John Edwards was the son of a mill worker and wouldn't shut up about it, similarly Rami may have mentioned once or twice that he was born in Jerusalem. Like the struggles in that holy land, Rami presents us with conflict. He makes pretty, if kind of boring and the same, dresses, but then he acts like a selfish prick. He is pretty smokin' hot, but he dresses like he is going to a circuit party in 1993. You want him to get kicked out, but you like seeing him in a towel. How does one mediate this tension? Well, Rami helped us by giving us a signature collection for his show in Bryant Park to do with as we please. If you love anything that has to do with drapes or draping, click here and feel the struggle.

Jason: Let's do Rami.
Matt: God, lets do him head to toe. I wouldn’t suck his toes though.
Jason: I would! The shots of him in a towel were good.
Matt: Yeah but he's a bit too hairless. He should be like a wool coat in front.
Jason: I know. He is a gay man in LA - he probably preens and primps like any of those other bitches.
Matt: Yeah and he wears bad LA mid 30s gay men's clothing like too tight trousers and see through blouses/mouses/man-blouses.
Jason: What is that company - YMLA?
Matt: I know you have a good body Rami, but the tight clothes are making it look tacky. International Male?
Jason: Very Kiss Me Guido. Except whatever the Jewy/Palestinian version would be.
Matt: Just wear a white undershirt and some 501s. Oh wait...the clothes. Well, the first look is horrible. Teal. TEAL?
Jason: I don't hate it, but it is very naughty secretary. She is totally letting her boss fuck her up the ass in the file room.
Matt: The cut is cool, but the color is AWFUL. Like 1988 described in a color and it would be statutory rape because the model is about 14.
Jason: Well, at least it isn't pink. Rami doesn't do so good with the pink. So look #2...
Matt: Kinda cool. A lot better when you can see the details close up.
Jason: Yeah, it is much better. Like the detail in the pants.
Matt: Kind of wild but wearable.
Jason: The vest thing is a little weird - something your movers wear when they are lifting something heavy.
Matt: Please don’t let one of the designers pull that fake-ass "theme" thing; wasn’t Tattoo Neck all about "Japanese Ghost Stories?” He should have been disqualified for just using that crock of shit. This is could be "Japanese Geisha goes to the office." Or Daniel Vosovosikvick was "Japanese Military."
Jason: Japanese sleekness I believe. So are you on look #3 already I see.
Matt: Yes, like Chris, he likes the red and black. This is cool; very Christian, fussy, up to the neck blouse thing.
Jason: The skirt is good.
Matt: The skirt is cool. All the men in this competition like that shiny black fussy blouse look this season.
Jason: I like that his models have very natural makeup.
Matt: Yes, but the braid is a bit ugh.
Jason: Well, at least it isn't Chris' dyed-black-and-sprayed-to-death-with-Aquanet hair.
Matt: True. Then he brings in #4. The draping and that UGLY-ASS pea soup 1972 GREEN that he loves. And a gold Wonder Woman cuff.
Jason: Oh, sorry. What did you say? I just yawned. Moving on...
Matt: This is very Rami doing Xtian & Chris March. Fussy black OTT gown. It's kinda...blah. The fabric also looks like its about as soft as cactuses.
Jason: Look - Charlize Theron has something to wear to the Oscars, complete with weird head thing! Her spray on orange tan will look great against the black.
Matt: Happy Halloween!
Jason: Of course, #6 looks like something from Goddess. And you know what Goddess I mean.
Matt: This ain't called 'Classes', it's called Goddess...see ya! God, gold dresses should be banned.
Jason: I'm erect. Why aren't you?
Matt: I'm soft as a Karl Rove's dick for this dress. Move on.
Jason: And then there is #7
Matt: Seashell head. It's very....complex and well-made.
Jason: He probably got the fabric for 50% off. In the holiday gift wrap aisle at Target on December 26th.
Matt: But the color is drab as hell, and it looks really...uncomfortable. All his clothes seem really stiff, and one part of Rami I don't want stiff are his clothes.
Jason: Seriously. And of course another variation of the puffy sleeve.
Matt: And it all looks like it's sprayed with 4 cans of spray starch.
Jason: I am so excited about the next look. Do you know why?
Matt: G.R.O.S.S.
Jason: But it's Amanda from Season 3! The model bitch with the fierce walk who wouldn't shut up.
Matt: I don't care if Rami agreed to sleep with me and my man, I still wouldn't tell him this dress was good.
Jason: You mean your wife, right?
Matt: Wife! Wife...she likes 2 guys at once. Makes me feel more like a man. I have a feeling Rami has a "wife" too. And "children"
Jason: The bodice reminds me of the potholders I used to make out of nylon on a loom when I was a kid. Except, you know, I actually used good colors.
Matt: Seriously, PEA SOUP again???? Dusty, rotting avocados?
Jason: Drape and Drab. His signature.
Matt: The next one is good. His red and black stuff is good here.
Jason: I like that one too. The pants area very complicated and Christian, but the top is good. I like the collar.
Matt: It's fussy but chic. Cool pants.
Jason: The pocket flaps with the big buttons are a little dumdum, but other than that...
Matt: The next one is a bit...maternity
Jason: "Yeah, hey Rami. It is me, your big important celebrity client. Can you give me something that gives me no shape and makes my hips look HUGE? You can? Great!"
Matt: Totes. It's fugly
Jason: Speaking of fugly. The next one.
Matt: I actually like the print. Not crazy about his cardboard construction breastplate thing; very Clash of the Titans.
Jason: Wasn't there one of those crappy mall stores called "Dots"
Matt: Dots rules. Total strip mall TRASH.
Jason: Dots rulez
Matt: I wanna pick up Rami's stuff at Strawberry
Jason: You have to say it Chicago style - THE Strawberrys.
Matt: Then he kills us with a Teal replica of maternity dress. THAT's an ending?!
Jason: Helen of Troy? Again I feel like Charlize Theron will be wearing this next week.
Matt: And we all know HER career is in the dumper. "I just wanna gooo to the miiiines and get baaaaaack to work, like everyooone else." Oh, you gotta love Charlie though. She tries; Mr. F.
Jason: So hot Rami. I am not sure he made it to the final three. If Nina didn't want to fuck him so bad, I would think that he didn't make it.
Matt: He's in, but he's number 3. I wonder if he's good in bed? I feel like he's bad. He just wants to be body worshipped and doesn't care about the other person.
Jason: Only one way to find out. Well, he seems like a selfish prick, which I usually go for.
Matt: So cold. God, Rami you ASSHOLE! You just fuck me and then leave me here!!!
Jason: Wow. I hope your wife can't hear you.
Matt: (S)he loves it.


rptrcub said...

Blowjobs for peace. That's something I can get behind. Or in front of, whatevs.

As for Rami...maybe if I'm drunk and desperate and in a mood for some Eurotrashiness.

Cynica said...

Unimpressive, and I say that as someone who A) has as soft spot for draping because it's more forgiving to women of a certain age and B) also wants to fuck him (he's got it all: arrogant? check. narcissistic? check. withholding? check. At 30, I would have been in love with him). He should do very well in LA fucking and clothing studio execs wives.

But what was with the hideous 'dos on the models? they were distracting me from the hideous clothes. Was that they strategy?

driouxcipher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
driouxcipher said...

It wasn't as "River City, IA Townswomens' Guild reenacts various Grecian urns" as I thought it was going to be, but what an incohesive, weird, boring, and, frankly (esp. w/r/t the models' styling), sloppy looking. It also looked a bit like he was flagrantly copying some of his competitors. Where's Laura to narc on 'im? No sir...I didn't like it.

SanFranLefty said...

"Drape and Drab" says it all, Jason.