BITCHING ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY FINAL COLLECTIONS: CHRIS MARCH

Few in this history of Project Runway/reality television/life have benefited more from a second chance than Chris March, dubbed Sissy Bear by Tom & Lorenzo over at Project Rungay. While he has given us some tacky, he has generally done really well since his return and given us a good prom dress, an amazing avant garde look (in collaboration with Christian), that crazy leopard print hoodie and the coochiest of sparkly coochie shorts (for which he won!) in the wrestler lady challenge, and I would argue one of the most finished, iconic looks ever produced on Project Runway in the Hershey's challenge (for which he, of course, did not win).

I also just like Sissy Bear as a person. He seems like a composite of several funny, bitchy gay men that I have been lucky to call friends. Plus I loved his little cat fights with Christian, who of course Chris could snap like a twig and eat for breakfast. I would normally say that metaphorically, but after seeing his modern day goth collection, Matt & I are not so sure.

Jason: So let's move on to Chris, Mr. Sissy Bear. So look #1.
Matt: I kinda love that Chris is all goth. This collection is like Robert R's* dream.
Jason: Yeah, I wasn't really expecting that.
Matt: Me neither! He was listening to a lot of Siouxsie
Jason: Drinking red wine and smoking cloves.
Matt: Yes, talking about Anne Rice and gay vampyres.
Jason: But the first dress is pretty, it just seems kind of plain. And I really don't like the hem.
Matt: As Matt M.** said "It's a bit...Hot Topic.” Which is secretly hot, but kinda not.
Jason: Oh, and this one isn't even the "worst" of that phase. Look, I used to dye my hair blue black. You don't have to tell me. Look #2.
Matt: A bit Cruella de Ville at the office age 34. Where's the white fur coat?
Jason: The Hunger maybe? It is pretty, and more of what I expected from him.
Matt: It is pretty; very Vamp.
Jason: Which brings us to #3
Matt: Kinda not hot; the cross kills it. Goth convention.
Jason: I think one of my ex-boyfriends used to wear that. And I am including the eye makeup.
Matt: The skirt is kinda crazy-hem or static cling.
Jason: And the huge belt. And the shoes - the SHOES. Very Lezzie-Night-Out.
Matt: The grey tights are worse. I got it...it’s 100% Fairuza Balk at the prom, deleted-scene-that-never-was from The Craft. I LOVE The Craft.
Jason: TOTALLY. I can't wait until we get to the Showgirls collection. OK, next...#4 to me is really beautiful.
Matt: I actually think this is really pretty. It's really soft.
Jason: Again with the fucking construction worker gloves.
Matt: Maybe if more of his stuff was like this...goth but, flapper-goth?
Jason: Yeah, it is very feminine. But still dark.
Matt: Not as HEAVY as all the rest. More L.A. flapper-goth, not Chicago flapper-goth, 20 below zero windchill.
Jason: Why is it so fucking cold here?
Matt: Ugh, don’t get me started.
Jason: We have sunshine for one day the the wind chill is -30. Okay, #5 then.
Matt: This is a Chicago look, a big ole blanket wrapped around her. I cant even see what the dress is!
Jason: I know. Again, very Christian.
Matt: Yes, a classy version of WWE diva that Xtian had
Jason: Except...velvet. Why, oh why Sissy Bear?
Matt: Crushed velvet
Jason: Very Joan Collins at a funeral.
Matt: Lets move on...mercifully
Jason: #6
Matt: This is actually kind of wicked!
Jason: You mean Wicked!
Matt: Fierce goth dominatrix boss from hell, c. 1947. Even though the model looks like a 15 year old goth boy.
Jason: It looks like her neck has sprouted wings and her head is doing to fly away.
Matt: It's kinda hot
Jason: The shoes are hot though - good use of the bluefly.com accessory wall.
Matt: Yes, and the tights.
Jason: Next #7
Matt: Is that Danielle from America's Next Top Model Cycle...whenever? Love her.
Jason: Yeah - he apparently used a bunch of ANTM girls.
Matt: HOT. The dress...er.
Jason: I think this print dresses are kind of great.
Matt: Really? I think its a bit Hot Topic crown of thorns. Maybe if the shape was more oblique; its SOOO GOTH, G.O.T.H.
Jason: This one is probably my least favorite of the print ones, but I like that she is carrying a mace to smite her enemies.
Matt: That is hot!
Jason: Okay #8. See, the print really works here because it is so subtle.
Matt: Hot. Love it. The print is subtle, like a silkscreen...by hand or something?
Jason: Probably. Not sure how he would find fabric like that. Although, we may never know because...well, we will get to that later.
Matt: When he is subtle, Chris actually works. But he's usually, just...dragged out, as in drag queened.
Jason: They really need to do a drag queen challenge.
Matt: Well, they kinda did last week.
Jason: We had to put up with those wrestler trannies, they can give us drag queens.
Matt: Speaking of...next look.
Jason: Okay, how about #9
Matt: Hot. But it suffers from the scroll down problem. It looks like pajamas at the bottom.
Jason: RIGHT! Ah the Fug Girls and the scroll down. They do look like really luxurious pajamas.
Matt: Why not just the dress coat?
Jason: Why the velvet belt. THE FUCKING VELVET BELT!
Matt: It's very Janet c.97. Get inside that velvet rope.
Jason: The human hair as the trim too. Is Chris really a gothed out serial killer in real life?
Matt: Oh, I thought that was fake fur. That's hot...gross
Jason: No - he used human hair.
Matt: VERY GOTH black candles, human hair, maces & spiky balls on strings.
Jason: Okay, I am trying to psyche myself up for the next look. Ugh.
Matt: Really, I actually kinda like it!
Jason: Why, why, why all of the velvet?
Matt: Yeah the velvet is too much, but the gloves rock! And the belt and necklace are hot.
Jason: We are going to have to disagree about this one.
Matt: Ok this one is Goth Chico's. Goth Talbots, for the 48 year old goth mom
Jason: #11 is more successful for me for some reason.
Matt: Midnight blue business suit? Its a bit more tame. He LOVES his black, blood red and midnight blues. At least he's consistent.
Jason: Again with the hair trim. Can you imagine taking that to the dry cleaners? Do you shampoo it?
Matt: Maybe it's removable? Velcro?
Jason: Maybe. I know I wouldn't want that human hair to be flopping in my soup when I go out to dinner.
Matt: The final look...yeah or no?
Jason: I really like it. Again, to me the use of the print is pretty great. Plus the model (from ANTM, no?) carries it well.
Matt: Yes, Bianca. She's hot. Yes, I know their names!
Jason: Faggot!
Matt: The print is a bit too obvious though. Look! Its a HUMAN FACE.
Jason: Apparently they are a really beautiful from the back. The dresses that is.
Matt: Faggoty sentence, fag. And then there's Chris. Gotta give it for the fattz + femz.
Jason: So, for reals, or a ringer?
Matt: Um, no...he is #4 though. Almost...
Jason: Yeah, this to Jason was a last minute edition to the festivities too.
Matt: I think this is set up in winner's order or something.
Jason: Oh well, hopefully Chris is at Pride or Market Days this summer in his Brunhilda drag with those giant fake breasts. He would be fun to grab a drink with at Sidetrack.

*Robert is a friend of ours with a love of all things black/goth/smoking jackets
**Matt is the other Matt who is the other half of Microfilm.